the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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