is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
