help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
It's just like the Real World with babies
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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