Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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