You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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