yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I touched a dick in church today
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
