After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
