Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
