So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
