WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
