So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
