i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
