my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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