I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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