She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
