Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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