Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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