Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
