I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
