If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
