Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
