And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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