Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
