Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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