some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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