I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
