Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
