You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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