i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
