I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
