Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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