So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i think im in europe. pls send help
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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