i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
where are my eyebrows?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
