Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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