She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
