I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
