I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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