i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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