my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
