I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
