sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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