Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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