had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
