my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
