You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
