i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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