Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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