life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
