Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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