Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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