Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
