So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
